On Change

Rachel Chada, MHC

It’s inevitable. Sometimes we get stuck.

We get stuck waiting, hoping for the other people in our life to change.

“If I convince them to go to therapy, things will get better.” “If I tell them just how wrong they are, they’ll finally understand this time.” “If I am the best, most perfect version of myself, they’ll finally show me love in the way I want them to.”

It sometimes feels like an impossible reality to accept, but we can’t bank on change in others. We can hope for change, we can facilitate it when appropriate, but we can’t depend on it. We also can’t force it to happen. As much as what I’m out to say sounds like I ripped it off the cover of an over-hyped self help book, it’s true. The only change we can control is our own. 

Culturally, in America, we have such an emphasis on individualism that it often leads to rigidity in our thinking. That can often breed stubborn parts of ourselves that love to fixate on the “right and wrong” in a relationship dynamic. When we perceive someone as being in the wrong, we feel so strongly that they are the ones who need to change. If we see someone else behaving poorly, our energy fixates on getting them to behave differently, clouding the truth that we simply cannot control that. We can only control how much we tolerate.

Think of it like this: instead of using your energy to change them, you can use it to protect yourself. Your change might look like investigating inward to understand your role in the relationship dynamic, evolving your expectations for their behavior, or setting a clear boundary. Of course, this doesn’t mean having to change your morals or values for others, but it does mean that you can’t necessarily force people to change theirs. Whatever your internal transformation looks like, it should be rooted in your needs and what’s in your locus of control. 

When you’re feeling stuck in a waiting game, hoping someone in your life will finally make a change, use it as an invitation to better understand what change is around the corner for you. 

If you’re ready to take some of the power back, I’d love to be a friendly collaborator on your journey. Reach out here to book your free, 15-minute consultation.