Assertive Communication: An Essential Skill for Healthy Relationships

Anna Welch, Advanced Clinical Fellow

While there is no one-size-fits-all path to personal growth, I find assertive communication to be an essential skill for building a strong sense of self and maintaining secure relationships. The good news is that anyone can learn to communicate more assertively, especially through the support of a therapeutic relationship. 

So, what is assertive communication?

Assertive communication is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and directly, while respecting the perspectives and experiences of others. It sits between two common extremes:

• Passive communication

• Aggressive communication

Passive communication might sound like: “Whatever you want, I’m good with anything!” when we really have an opinion or desire we’re choosing not to voice. 

Passive communication is common for those who experience codependency. Many of us learned to keep the peace by minimizing ourselves. Over time, this can lead to resentment and disconnection. Practicing assertiveness interrupts that cycle by asking: What do I feel? What do I need? How can I advocate for myself?

Aggressive communication might sound like: “You never listen to me,” or “You always do this.” Communicating aggressively often includes character judgments or intentionally hurtful statements. 

Communicating aggressively can be our way of saying “don’t get too close.” When connection has felt risky in the past, we might find ourselves communicating aggressively to keep others at a distance that feels safe. In the end, this way of communicating harms others and keeps us isolated. 

Assertive communication might sound like, “Tacos sound the best to me, but I’m okay with sushi too. I don’t want Italian food tonight,” or “I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I need some support. Could you help me with this?” 

Choosing to communicate assertively builds self-trust. It signals to the parts of ourselves that may feel vulnerable or anxious that they can trust us to advocate for what we want or need. Relatedly, when we communicate assertively, we release responsibility for managing the emotions of everyone around us. This makes room for trusting others to communicate their wants and needs independently. Making this shift can feel terrifying at first, but there is gold at the end of this rainbow. 

When what we feel on the inside aligns with what we communicate on the outside, our sense of self becomes fortified, and we can move through the world with more confidence and security. Communicating directly and respectfully reduces confusion or mistrust and increases feelings of safety in relationships. 

Confident and secure people tend to be drawn to one another, which is why building assertive communication skills can be transformative for our relationships. 

If you’re curious what it might look like to begin working on assertive communication and your own journey of personal development, reach out to learn more about beginning therapy at anna@intuitivehealingnyc.com.