Making Friends with Yourself

Lydia Bell, MHC

Sometimes when I’m working with clients, we notice that their inner monologue can be harsh or critical. Often I ask, what would you say to a friend who is going through the same thing? With a friend in mind, it can be easier to think of something compassionate to say to yourself. This season, perhaps you can challenge yourself to bring the same attention and care you bring to other relationships to your relationship with yourself. Here are some simple ways you can be a better friend to you:

Take yourself on dates. For a friend or a romantic partner, we might plan an afternoon of activities we know we can enjoy together. Have you ever done this for yourself? Think about simple, affordable things you enjoy doing. Maybe it’s a picnic lunch at a nearby park or a visit to a local bookstore. Try not to think about things you “should” do (e.g. work out, run an errand) and something that is purely for enjoyment. 

Be curious. See if you can bring a sense of loving curiosity to your own thoughts and feelings. Journaling is a great way to do this, or you can also just pause to ask yourself some gentle questions. Why am I feeling this way right now? What do I need at this moment? What is the story I’m telling myself? If you’re looking for a specific tool to spark self-reflection, I recommend checking out The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron. It offers a structured way to approach getting in touch with an internal sense of play. This is a wonderful book for anyone interested in a deeper connection to self (not just artists). 

Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes when we’re in a cycle of negative self talk, we can forget to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt. If a friend left some dirty dishes in the sink one night after a long day of work, would you call your friend lazy? No, you’d probably chalk it up to your friend being tired. See if you can offer yourself the same grace.  

Check in. What are you getting out of your relationship with yourself? Are you feeling nurtured, supported? If you have a trauma history or have historically not been kind to yourself, it might take some time to cultivate a healthy relationship with yourself. Be patient, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Therapy can be a great place to practice what it’s like to approach yourself with love and compassion.