A Therapy Skill to Help You Face Reality

Molly Rushing, Advanced Clinical Fellow

If you’re unfamiliar with the therapeutic concept of radical acceptance, consider the well known phrase: “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” Radical acceptance is the practice of acknowledging reality as it is and releasing resistance, which has a way of turning pain into suffering. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), radical acceptance is a core distress tolerance skill. It means accepting facts you can’t change so you can put your energy toward responding effectively. The premise is simple, but the practice is anything but.

DBT, shaped in part by Buddhist teachings, integrates mindfulness into its skills-based model. Mindfulness is a crucial support for this skill, because the default human response is to resist the parts of life we would not have chosen for ourselves. But before delving into the application of radical acceptance, let’s clarify what it is not . It is not self-gaslighting or spiritual bypassing. It is not approval, endorsement, or resignation. It is meeting reality on reality’s terms, then choosing to move forward with more ease rather than staying stuck in denial or resistance.

To practice this skill, identify an area of life that feels painful right now. How have you been thinking and feeling about it? Does it loop in your mind, stir up painful emotions, or create tension in your body? Is there something you’ve been fighting, even though it’s out of your control? Here is an opportunity to practice acceptance, and a few ways to begin:

  • Name the facts

    • What has happened? What is within your control and outside of your control? 

  • Notice resistance

    • How are you fighting reality? What thoughts show up? What behaviors follow your resistance?

      • Hint: “should” is often a sign that resistance is at play (I should have gotten that promotion).

  • Don’t just accept the facts, accept them radically

    • Replace resistant thoughts with neutral statements or encouraging affirmations (From This is a nightmare to this moment is temporary  and I can handle whatever it brings).

    • Identify one behavior that reflects wholehearted acceptance, even if your feelings aren’t fully there yet.

  • Choose the next effective step

    • Ask: Given the facts, what do I want to do now?

Acceptance is not always easy, but it is one of the most reliable paths from suffering toward living.

Lindsey PrattComment