The Existential Question of Having Children
Subu Samarajiva, MHC, MA
“Should I have kids?” The question kept showing up in my therapy room, from so many different people in stages of life that surprised me. Young people just out of college, couples in committed relationships in their late twenties, and couples and single people in their late thirties considering their biological clocks. It would be such a relief for everyone if we could answer this question in one session, with one scientifically backed assessment, or if I could recommend one single book to answer this question for them. As a therapist I can never answer these life-changing questions for a person, but I can work with you to help you find your own clarity, know yourself better, and feel more at peace with the decision you make.
These things are all true:
Raising children requires effort and redirects time you would spend on other things.
There are real hardships in the American system of parenting, and those hardships are amplified depending on the identities you hold and the resources you have.
There are unique joys and experiences in being a parent.
Having children is an irreversible “one-way door” decision.
Raising children is often regarded by people who have children as the most meaningful thing they have done in their lives.
Choosing not to have children can also open up space for other things you may consider more meaningful.
Everyone’s decision is personal to their life.
In some ways, the kid question brings together so many facets of work you can do in personal therapy. Do you struggle with perfectionism, so the idea of messing up and not being the perfect parent to your child fills you with dread? Has managing your anxiety been difficult, so bad news headlines and climate change worries make it feel irresponsible to have a child? Did you have an unhappy childhood due to conflict in your family of origin that makes you unwilling to revisit that time of life, perhaps from fear of re-enacting what was done to you?
Questions like these can be fully explored in the space of individual therapy. In couples therapy, you can explore these questions together with your partner, with more of a focus on each person trying to understand their partner’s point of view fully. Once each person feels they have explored their feelings and can feel settled in what they want, they can figure out what the path forward looks like.
The world is full of noise and other people’s opinions and judgments about what you should do in your life, and having children is one of the places it is hardest to shut out what other people want you to do. I would encourage anyone grappling with this decision to first spend time in the quiet of their own mind to try to hear their inner voice. It can also be helpful after that to seek out others’ experiences, look for role models, and try to test out your assumptions about life with and without children.
For now I would offer a few questions to you that you can contemplate, in a quiet space where you can focus on your own thoughts and feelings. If journaling is available to you, I’d recommend actually writing out your own answers. If you are partnered, then share the results with your partner.
What does being a parent mean to me?
What does not having children mean to me?
When I picture myself in [X] years, what do I want my life to look like?
Try to do the thought exercise for yourself with kids at various ages, or without kids. Pay attention to how your body reacts and any feelings that come up.
How do I want to live my life?
A helpful though perhaps heavy exercise could be thinking about what you wish your obituary would read.
The second thing I want to offer is that each choice has tradeoffs. There is no way to guarantee that if you think through enough questions or read enough books or do enough therapy, you will not have regret at the end of your life. At a certain point you have to decide you have thought enough, and let yourself make a decision knowing there may be times in the future that you feel regret. Mindfulness teaches us that pain and suffering are inevitable in life.
Given that pain is inevitable, and there is no way you can plan your life to avoid pain, how do you want to live your life?