What am I supposed to say to that?
Subu Samarajiva, MHC, MA
A woman is feeling anxiety waiting for test results, and her partner feels frustrated and trapped that they can’t seem to say the right thing.
“What am I supposed to say when she starts her anxiety spiral? I try to reassure her, come up with solutions to the problem, and she just seems to get more upset.”
A man is feeling let down and frustrated by his siblings’ lack of support when he shares how much stress he’s under. His wife has no idea if her attempts at reassurance are landing for him.
“I tried to be comforting and tell him it’s not ok that they are reacting this way, but I’m not sure if I’m just annoying him.”
I see couples virtually and in person, and we talk about every interpersonal conflict under the sun. So often there is a situation where one partner is reaching out with worry, anxiety, fear, about something the other does not have any direct control over. When we are in a relationship with a partner, they can be the main recipient of all our grief and venting. For most people, there was no class that taught us how to truly listen and make others feel heard, so this can be a real difficulty for couples learning to communicate with each other.
One of the best things couples learn in couples therapy is how to connect and comfort each other, and how different responses feel in the body and actually land with the other person. You get to work that out live with the therapist, keeping everyone from getting too activated and slowing everything down. Without stepping into a therapy office though, there are tips and tricks that can help all people in relationship with others.
The first question is “would you like me to listen or offer advice?” You can ask that question even before emotions are high. As a therapist, my first take is that people usually need to feel truly heard and listened to first. There may be scenarios (maybe time is tight and you have unique expertise!) where your advice is needed right away, so checking in with your partner will be important.
It can also be helpful to set guidelines where the person who needs to vent checks first if the other person is in the right headspace for a vent. Sometimes turning off the stove or finishing a to-do will really help the other person fully assume an active role as a listener.
Then when your partner is telling you, try to listen with all your attention so you don’t miss anything. Most people know the urge to prepare your own reply instead of truly listening. What would it be like to truly just focus on listening? And then when they stop for a breath, try to reflect back what you heard, using their words as much as possible, and ask them “did I get that right?”
They’ll say yes, or no and then tell you more. When they’ve truly said everything they wanted to say and feel heard by you, then you can share the validation that feels right and see how that lands for them. Then you can check in with them. Did that work? Do they want to talk more, take a break and talk about something else, or do they want to sit down and work through problems concretely together?
It can feel impossible to know “the right thing to say”. What if the thing you need to say is just their own words? Experiencing that your partner is truly listening can be just what most people need.