Is This TMI? Talking About Sex in Therapy

Rachel Chada, MHC

I experience what I call the TMI Caveat all too often.

A client leans in, drops their voice, looks down, and murmurs: “I’m not sure if this is going to be TMI…” I match their lean, give them a nod of encouragement, and wait for the bomb to be dropped.

Spoiler alert: what usually follows is typically not a bomb, and is instead a very human and relevant concern relating to sex. Maybe they’re sharing a desire, a question about a past experience, confusion about how to communicate with a partner, or are trying to process sexual trauma. No matter what they share, when I hear the TMI Caveat, I usually follow it with: “talking about sex in therapy is rarely TMI.” In fact, I believe it’s one of the most appropriate places to start processing. 

Silence + Sex

Most folks do not come into adulthood prepared to talk about sex. Our sexual education is often fumbled by awkward experiences in health class, painful birds & the bees conversations with our caregivers, or fear-based messages delivered through culture or religion. Whether we hear absolutely nothing about sex or are taught that it’s something to be ashamed of, silence ends up being the lesson in most cases.

Sex becomes a private, taboo topic that most feel uncomfortable discussing outside of their closest confidants. In a setting as vulnerable as therapy, it makes sense why it would feel like a hard topic to bring up if you feel like it’s inherently inappropriate. Calling out the TMI Caveat is never a critique of the person delivering it, but the world that makes it feel necessary to stipulate.

Sex Is A Therapy Topic

Sex is entangled with our wellbeing. Sex is connected to identity, relationships, self-worth, trauma—all core to the therapeutic work. Even if you’re not engaging in sex therapy specifically, sex is a welcome and important topic in most situations. 

Sex therapy is specialized for processing and working through specific sexual issues, often with an AASECT certified sext therapist. Sex therapy might be recommended if the majority of what you’re working on is sex-related and may be better in the hands of a specialist. If you’re not sure if your particular issue would be better handled in sex therapy or with your current therapist, that’s a perfect place to start processing.

So…What is TMI?

If you’re thinking about bringing it up in therapy, chances are that it could be valuable to process with your therapist. Therapy is one of the few places designed for the full, unfiltered version of you. That includes the parts that feel awkward, private, confusing, or wrapped up in shame. Your therapist isn’t here to judge you—we often recognize the trust that has to exist for you to bring up the more intimate parts of your life. Rest assured, talking about sex in therapy isn’t “too much”—it’s brave, it’s healthy, and it might be the beginning of healing something that’s felt heavy for a long time.

Looking for an affirming place to start your therapeutic work? Rachel Chada, MHC-LP is a psychotherapist for couples and individuals, trained to support all relationship structures and individual identities. Reach out here to book your free, 15-minute consultation.