When Caring Turns to Carrying: Untangling the Eldest Daughter’s Role with Mom

Katarina Blake, MHC, MA

In my work as a therapist — and as a fellow recovering eldest daughter — I often support women who are learning to soften their people-pleasing, perfectionism, and intellectual parts. Which are adaptive responses in childhood. Time and again, I see how complex mother-daughter dynamics can shape a client's inner world, especially in eldest daughters who were conditioned to take on emotional responsibility from an early age.

While I primarily work with adult children, I hold deep respect and compassion for the mothers in these stories. In most cases, they are doing their best — often navigating their own unhealed wounds, multiple children, and survival patterns. This work is not about blame, but about breaking cycles with gentleness, clarity, and care. Understanding these dynamics with compassion lays the groundwork for deeper healing — and one pattern that often emerges in this work is emotional enmeshment.

Emotional enmeshment is when the boundaries between people — usually parent and child — are blurred. The child becomes overly involved in the parent’s emotional world, often feeling responsible for regulating the parent's moods, anxieties, or sense of self-worth.

Why eldest daughters?

• You were likely expected to "be the strong one”  and to keep everything together.

• You may have unconsciously taken on the role of your mother’s emotional anchor, mediator, or even her therapist.

• You learned: If mom feels okay, I feel okay.

This pattern often forms without ill-intent. Your mom may have been overwhelmed if there were multiple kids running around the house, unsupported, or emotionally wounded herself. You stepped in — out of love, loyalty, and instinct. But here’s the catch: what helped you survive may be holding you back in your relationships with both others and your relationship with yourself.

How It Shows Up Now (Outside of Mom)

You might notice these same patterns leaking into other areas of your adult life:

In Romantic Relationships:

• You over-function. You’re always checking in, soothing, solving.

• You attract others with high emotional needs or emotionally unavailable partners.
  You feel responsible for your partner’s moods — and get anxious when they pull away or get upset.

At Work or With Authority Figures:

• You become the “go-to” person — even when it exhausts you.

• You avoid conflict and over-accommodate to keep others comfortable.

• You feel anxious when your boss is stressed — as if it’s your job to fix it.

These patterns all stem from the same wound: I am only safe if the other person is okay. But here’s the truth: Their feelings are not your fault, and not your job to fix.

 You Can Love Your Mom and Let Go of Her Emotions

Here’s where the healing begins. You don’t need to cut your mom off or become cold and distant. You’re not trying to reject the relationship — you’re trying to redefine it and also protect it.

Here’s what that might look like:

• Staying emotionally present without absorbing her anxiety.

• Offering support without over-functioning or rescuing. This could be active listening without fixing.

• Respecting her emotions while prioritizing your own emotional boundary.

Try These Internal Scripts When You Feel Pulled to “Fix” 

Use these as reminders or mantras when you feel enmeshed, guilty, or overwhelmed:

“I can love her without carrying her pain.”
“Her anxiety is not mine to solve.”
“I am allowed to feel peaceful even when she’s upset.”
“Saying no doesn’t mean I don’t care. It means I’m healing.”
“I trust her to handle her feelings — just like I am learning to handle mine.”

Practical Tools for Separation Without Abandonment

Here are a few practices to begin untangling emotional enmeshment while maintaining care and connection:

1. Name It

Say (to yourself): This is the old role — the emotional fixer. I don’t have to step into that today.

 Breathe + Anchor

When mom is anxious or overwhelmed, notice the urge to "help." Pause. Come back to yourself.  Place your hand on your chest. Breathe. Remind yourself: Her feelings are not my emergency.

Boundary = Clarity, Not Rejection

You’re not shutting the door — you’re giving the relationship room to breathe. Healthy space creates sustainability.

Journal Prompt

What part of me feels responsible for her emotions? What would it feel like to let that part rest, just for today?

 Final Word

You don’t need to reject your mother to reclaim yourself.
You’re allowed to be close and clear.
You’re allowed to set boundaries and stay connected.
You’re allowed to choose peace — even if she’s still learning how.

Healing doesn’t mean walking away. Sometimes, it means walking home — to yourself.