It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like... Conflict!: A Couples Therapist's Guide to Holiday Communication
Ilana Pilcz, MHC, MA
Did you know that 96% of the time, you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes? (Gottman, Gottman, & DeClaire, 2006) Yes, you read that right, how you start a discussion directly predicts how it ends, either positively or negatively. This means that the way you bring up that thing about the holiday gift budget, whose family to visit, the party schedule, or yes, even Uncle Tony's politics at the dinner table, will likely determine whether you end up feeling closer or more separate from your partner, family member, friend, and even Uncle Tony.
I love being a couples therapist. It is one of the greatest joys of my career - having the sacred privilege to help couples share their tenderness, to witness a client's inner child reach out to their partner's inner child and feel them reach back, to see couples turning toward instead of away, and to teach couples skills that allow them to fight better. I even love facilitating endings of relationships in ways that honor the love shared. I have walked alongside couples who have moved in together, gotten engaged, married, welcomed babies, navigated affair recovery, and consciously uncoupled. Although I weave in Attachment Theory, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and Psychodynamic principles, my primary lens for couples work is The Gottman Method. I have seen firsthand how powerful the work of The Gottman Institute is in real clinical practice, and over and over, how profoundly this work can shift patterns and change lives.
In the spirit of the season of giving, I want to GIVE you a very simple but very powerful tool to try with your loved ones this holiday season. I promise, if you use this, things will change. Enter: the Soft Start-Up, a structured way to begin a potentially difficult conversation that prioritizes connection.
What's a Soft Start-Up?
The Soft Start-Up uses the phrase: "I feel X about Y, I need Z." Now let's break this down, because there is great beauty and depth in the simplicity.
The Soft Start-Up Formula
I feel X (the feeling)
We start with feelings. I'm talking about an actual emotion like "disappointed," "worried," "sad," "frustrated," or "disconnected," not "I feel like you were a jerk." First, we need to slow down enough to recognize what the feeling actually is. Then we name and claim what we are feeling using an I-statement.
The thing about naming a feeling is that no one can argue with it—it's your subjective experience. Feelings are what allow others to empathize with us, and you are far more likely to get your needs met when you start with vulnerability.
As an example, let's use the feeling of "anxious."
About Y (the specific situation)
Now we state the facts. Describe the behavior or action simply and clearly, without the feelings attached (remember, we already focused on feelings!). State what happened or is happening without judgment or blame, like: "about our holiday spending."
So let's put the first two parts together: "I feel anxious about our holiday spending."
I need Z (the positive need)
This is where the real relational magic happens. You are stating your longing, wish, or hope as a positive need. You are giving your partner the recipe for how to repair and connect better on a silver platter! This could sound like: "I need us to create a gift budget together before we shop."
Now let's put it all together:
"I feel anxious about our holiday spending. I need us to create a gift budget together before we shop."
Add Some Sweetness: The 5:1 Ratio
We also know from the Gottmans that we need a ratio of 5 positives to 1 negative in a relationship to keep the overall emotional climate positive, and there's an opportunity here to lean into just that! Sprinkle a little extra sugar on your Soft Start-Up by adding appreciation first:
"Honey, I love how generous you are—it's one of the things I adore about you. I feel anxious about our holiday spending. I need us to create a gift budget together before we shop so we can enjoy the holidays without financial stress in January."
See how the appreciation softens the complaint and reminds your partner that you see their positive qualities even when addressing something difficult?
Now, let's take a look at what it sounds like NOT to use a soft start-up…
Harsh Start-Up vs. Soft Start-Up
Harsh Start-Up:
"You spent HOW MUCH?! Are you trying to bankrupt us? Why don't you ever think about our budget? You're so irresponsible with money!"
Soft Start-Up:
"I feel anxious about our holiday spending. I need us to create a gift budget together before we shop."
Notice the difference? The first blames and attacks character. The second names and claims feelings, describes the situation, and offers a solution.
Common Pitfalls to Avoid
As you practice, watch out for these sneaky harsh start-ups in disguise:
"I feel like you don't care about our finances" → This isn't a feeling, it's a judgment (and a sneaky you-statement in disguise!)
Instead: "I feel anxious about..."
"I feel worried because you're irresponsible" → This adds blame to the feeling Instead: "I feel worried about [specific situation]"
"I need you to stop spending so much" → This is a criticism, not a positive need Instead: "I need us to create a budget together"
"I feel like we never talk about money" → "Never" and "always" are generalizations that trigger defensiveness
Instead: "I feel scared when we don't discuss finances before making big purchases" The key is: feeling + specific behavior + positive need = connection
We're getting this, right?
Let's explore with more seasonally appropriate scenarios:
The Family Visit Marathon
Harsh Start-Up:
"We're doing the same exhausting thing again! Your family is too much!"
Soft Start-Up:
"I feel overwhelmed about visiting three different families on Christmas Day. I need us to talk about spreading out our visits or choosing one main celebration so we can actually enjoy the time together."
The Hanukkah Hosting Debate
Harsh Start-Up:
"Why did you tell your parents we'd host all eight nights?! You never ask me first!"
Soft Start-Up:
"I feel overwhelmed about hosting for all eight nights of Hanukkah. I need us to talk about which nights we host and which nights we can celebrate just the two of us or join others."
The Social Calendar Overload
Harsh Start-Up:
"You committed us to ANOTHER party without asking me?! Why don't you ever consider my schedule?"
Soft Start-Up:
"I feel exhausted looking at our December calendar. I need us to check in with each other before saying yes to social commitments so we can save energy for what matters most."
The Decoration Debate
Harsh Start-Up:
"You never help with decorating! I'm doing everything myself as usual!"
Soft Start-Up:
"I feel lonely decorating by myself when this is something I'd love to do together. I need you to set aside an evening this week to help me put up the lights and decorations."
Beyond Romance
The beautiful thing is that this skill can be used with partners, friends, parents, coworkers, managers, and yes, even Uncle Tony, who likes to debate politics after a couple of glasses of wine and never misses a chance to ask when you're going to settle down and start having kids.
Try it:
"Uncle Tony, I feel uncomfortable when political debates happen during family dinner. I would love for us to save those conversations for after dessert so everyone can enjoy the meal."
This works whether you're talking to your life partner, teenager, best friend, coworker, or opinionated uncle…
Your Holiday Season Challenge
This holiday season, give yourself and your relationships the gift of starting softly. Try it once this week, even for something small. Notice what shifts. Pay attention to how your partner, friend, or family member responds differently when you lead with vulnerability instead of criticism.
Your future conversations will thank you.
References
Gottman, J.M., Gottman, J.S., & DeClaire, J. (2006). Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Any Relationship. Crown Publishers.