Radical Acceptance, For This and Every Season
Adrian Acevedo, MHC
You may have heard the phrase “radical acceptance” before, but what is it really and how is it useful to us? Radical acceptance is an important concept in Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT, observed that a lack of acceptance increased individuals’ suffering and that greater acceptance empowers individuals to move towards change. Moving through resistance and towards acceptance enables us to be more active participants in our own lives. Consider difficult seasons in your own life, and take a moment to reflect on your acceptance of those painful circumstances. How much energy was expended railing against reality? Did the resistance propel you forward, or increase feelings of stuckness, bitterness, or helplessness?
Consider this—rejecting reality does not actually make it possible for us to change or control it. Rejecting reality turns pain into suffering and increases feelings of unhappiness. Reality acceptance skills help us to reduce our suffering in crisis situations and engage with the facts of our life head-on. It is important to understand what radical acceptance really means. Radical acceptance IS…
complete and total acceptance of your present reality
accepting with mind, body, and spirit
letting go of the desire to control what we cannot
recognizing that life is worth living even in the presence of pain
Radical acceptance is NOT…
approving of, loving, or enjoying your reality
a passive or complacent approach to living with suffering
an apathetic outlook on life and its challenges
Radical Acceptance, Step-By-Step
Practicing radical acceptance requires us to let go of the illusion of control, focusing instead on acceptance of things the way they are in the present. In practicing radical acceptance we also strive to reduce judgmental thinking about our reality and resist the urge to attach to a version of reality that does not exist. This is hard work for those of us who cling to control and believe we can will our desired reality into existence (most of us, at some point or another!). Rejecting or fighting against reality can provide a temporary feeling of “relief,” but ultimately makes us less present and mindful. You may believe that acceptance sounds like giving up, but dialectical thinking teaches us that acceptance allows us to move toward change. Start to follow these practical steps when you find yourself in a place of suffering and resistance:
Observe that you are questioning or fighting reality (Why is it this way? It shouldn’t be this way. I can't/won't go on if it's this way.)
Remind yourself these circumstances are the reality of the present situation.
Remind yourself there are causes for the reality. Acknowledge that a history of events led to this moment, and because of history and causal factors, this is how reality had to happen at this moment.
Work on accepting the whole self – mind, body, and spirit. Be creative – integrate accepting self-talk, mindful breathing, meditation, or yoga into your routine.
Consider what your behavior would look like if you did accept the facts, and then act accordingly (even though you’re still struggling to accept!)
Plan ahead for difficult events that seem unacceptable, and think about specific ways you could appropriately cope.
Allow yourself to feel disappointment, sadness, and grief, and acknowledge that life can be worth living with this pain. Experience your emotions fully and mindfully. Remember—radical acceptance does not invalidate the emotions we have around our present suffering/present reality.