3 Things You May Want to Know if You’re Grieving
Alex Mammadyarov, MHC
In my practice, I work with many folks processing grief, oftentimes from the death of a loved one. Sometimes, people seek out therapy in the immediate aftermath of a loss, while others reach out months or even years later, as new questions have arisen or existing coping methods have stopped working.
Regardless of the timing, as everyone’s is unique in grief, there are three questions I am most often asked to consider with my clients.
Is what I am feeling (or not feeling) ‘normal’?
Grieving people often want to know this when it is their first time around with loss or if they are having a completely different experience than they did with a previous loss - which does happen. In our larger culture, we are presented with the 5 Stages of Grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) and although much more nuance has been given to that framework over the years, it sometimes becomes lost in translation. Maybe we feel anger and sadness but also guilt and where does that fit in? Maybe we even feel some relief, particularly if we had been witnessing the slow decline of someone we love. When I hear this question, I also hear an underlying curiosity about whether or not other people have experienced this too.
In my practice, I encourage non-judgmental acceptance of our emotions, firmly rooted in the belief that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to feel. I also emphasize a balance of acknowledgement that many people are out there having many big feelings that don’t fit neatly into a bereavement model and it’s okay for you to have a unique experience. The relationship was unique, the love was unique, the loss was unique, and so is the grief.
Will the weight always feel this unbearable?
Will it always hurt this much? This is one of the heaviest and scariest questions that can arise in grief. It’s not one I, or anyone else, can truly answer with any assurance. I know only as much as my clients know about their process and I meet them, head on, where they are in that. However, I do believe it is possible to experience less suffering over time, as we make space to sit with and release the grief, as well as to form coping strategies for the day-to-day. Speaking broadly, many people find that the grief does not shrink in size or become less painful but that as we continue forward, opening ourselves to more life, there is good we build around it. Loss will not dominate daily life. There will be moments of immense grief but they will come further and further apart and when we become knocked down by a wave, we will feel better equipped, through experience, to flow with them, knowing we will be able to get back up.
When I feel better, will I also feel disconnected from my person who died?
As surprising as it may sound, many grieving people both long for and fear the good days that may come because while they crave some sense of relief, they worry it will be a sign that they are moving further away from the person they lost. It can be an unsettling thought - the idea that the pain will subside but the loss will remain. This is where I like to consider reframe. Our relationship to those we have lost does not reside in the pain but in the love. We do not need to cling to the darkness of early loss in order to stay connected, rather when we slowly, softly move in the direction of joy, we are moving in the direction of the person we lost. We can find this in small, seemingly insignificant moments like that first deep belly laugh, or sigh of relief, or genuine smile, and believe that this is where they are and this is how we embody that love. Sometimes, this is where guilt comes up and may need to be processed, as staying in the pain can sometimes be mistaken for honoring our dead. There can be another way.
There are so many things we want to know and assurances we need to receive when we are grieving. No one can quite answer our questions for us but it is possible to walk through them together. Having the courage to name these fears allowed is a huge and commendable step toward healing and that’s all it really is, day by day, taking steps.