Maintaining Connection in Grief: The Power of Letter Writing
Alex Mammadyarov, MHC
Wishing to maintain a connection with a meaningful person in your life who has died is normal and healthy.
Psychologist J. William Worden has created a framework for understanding grief titled, the Four Tasks of Mourning. The fourth task is to find an enduring connection with the person who died, while embarking on a new life. It is thought that while working through this task, a grieving person is able to begin balancing remembering their person while simultaneously living a full life of their own.
In the very beginning of loss, your focus may have been, understandably, on basic survival. If you are now at a point in your process where you are able to move through your world on a daily basis, going to work or school, spending time with others, engaging in your interests, and tending to self-care, you may wonder how to integrate a connection to the person you lost. Perhaps it’s even been years since the loss and it feels scary to imagine feeling into the relationship. Or maybe you do feel connected but desire a concrete way to practice honoring this.
Letter writing is one of many ways we can honor the depth of our pain, our loved one’s life, their impact on us, and our resilience in coping with the absence of their physical presence. In a letter to them, you can share…
The things you didn’t have time to say or which didn’t occur to you when they were living
The things that you didn’t feel you could say - particularly when grieving a challenging relationship, there may be an inherent emotional safety in letter writing you were not afforded in conversation
Any lingering questions you have for them and what it feels like to not receive a tangible response
How it feels to write the letter itself - If it feels sad or awkward or absurd, you can say that!
What you miss most about them
What has been going on in your life or the world lately
Anything else you feel called to
There is no right or wrong way to do this *and* it is important to go slowly and consider your current level of groundedness before engaging in this practice. Here are some suggestions to consider as you prepare:
Before: Set aside quiet time for yourself, engage in a grounding practice (breathwork, meditation, etc.), anticipate that many emotions may arise and intend to meet them without judgment
After: Store the letter in a sacred place, *carefully* burn outdoors, or write it on plantable seed paper and use it to grow something. Spend time with others and consider processing what came up in an upcoming therapy session
Fold letter writing into a ritual practice, read it aloud, and/or incorporate into an altar space
Write on significant dates (birthday, death anniversary, etc.)
Write as much or as little as you feel called to. If you feel drawn to writing to them but find it daunting, keep it to a few simple words: Hello. I miss you. I love you.
By writing letters to the people we have lost, we can feel closer to them, engage in catharsis, and honor this meaningful part of our ongoing lives.
Sources:
Worden, W.J. (2018). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (5th ed.). Springer Publishing Company.