Supporting Your Trans or Gender Non-Conforming Teen
Lina Mafi, MHC
In recent years, increased education about the socially constructed nature of gender identity has shifted our Western understandings of gender. As understanding of trans and gender non-conforming (TGNC) identities have grown, some TGNC folks have felt more comfortable sharing their gender identities with their loved ones, including their parents. If your child has chosen to share their identity with you, know that this is something they’ve taken significant time to think about and explore. And even after grappling with the possibility of experiencing rejection, marginalization, or deep harm, they have chosen to share a significant part of their identity and life with you.
If you are wondering how to best support your TGNC teen child, here are some suggestions that can help you show up for your teen:
Practice non-judgmental curiosity. Asking open-ended questions that indicate your desire to understand (e.g. “I’d like to understand, can you tell me more about your gender identity?”) can help you learn more about your child’s experiences. Remember, leading questions (e.g. “I just don’t understand, why do you feel this way?”) often lead to defensiveness and will likely shut down the possibility for a fruitful conversation.
Respect your teen’s boundaries. Even though they’ve just shared their gender identity with you, they may not be ready to share every aspect of their gender identity or journey. They might not have the language to express or explain a concept to you, or they may not want to. Follow their lead, and remind them that you are there to listen whenever they feel inclined to share.
Center your teen’s experience. Your teen’s gender identity is uniquely their own and, while parents often know their children on a deep level, your teen is the expert of their own internal experience and identity. Remembering this can help you understand your child’s experience better, and will help them feel supported and seen by you.
Ask how you can support them. Does your child want you to refer to them by a different name and pronoun? Do they prefer certain gendered words (like handsome, beautiful, daughter, child, etc.)? Your child may already know what language feels affirming for them, or they may be in the process of figuring that out. Regularly check in with your child about what is feeling right for them, and remember that this may change over time, so stay flexible.
Correct yourself, and be open to feedback. If you accidentally used the wrong name or pronouns, don’t harp on your mistake or sweep it under the rug. Instead, simply correct yourself, make a mental note on what to work on for next time, and move on. If your teen shares feedback about how they would like to be addressed, be open and receptive to your child’s input. TGNC folks frequently are met with defensiveness, avoidance, and hostility, so exploring how these responses show up in your life can be a helpful way to support your child.
Educate yourself on TGNC identities. Don’t be afraid to use Google! There is ample information about the lived experience of TGNC folks online. Taking initiative to learn more on your own can significantly increase your ability to support your child. Doing your research also shows your child that you care to learn more about an important part of their life and identity.
Seek support. One of the biggest ways that you can support your teen is by receiving support yourself. Finding sources of emotional support in your life will not only be of benefit to you, but it will also help you be able to support your child. There are many resources available for parents of TGNC folks, whether it be attending PFLAG meetings with other family members of LGBTQ+ folks, seeking ongoing support from a TGNC-affirming therapist, or connecting with your friends and family.
Offer additional support for your teen. Finding TGNC competent and affirming therapy for your teen can ensure that they are receiving multiple avenues of support as they learn to live as their most authentic self.