Say Yes to Premarital Counseling
Valeria West, MHC-LP
Are you engaged to be married? If so, congrats! What an exciting chapter of your life! Before you start working on your guest list, seating chart, or deciding on florals, you may also want to consider adding premarital counseling to the top of your wedding to-do list. Doing premarital counseling is in my opinion one of the most, if not the most, important parts of wedding planning.
Deciding to get married, and specifically who you marry, might be one of the biggest and most important decisions you ever make. Marriage impacts all areas of your life, and when you consider this impact, it only makes sense to want to prepare for it to the best of your ability. Here are some of the reasons why I might encourage premarital counseling to couples who are committed to building a life together:
Research supports it. Couples who have engaged in some form of premarital counseling are 30% less likely to separate or divorce. This is because premarital counseling is proactive, instead of reactive. When we can anticipate where our differences lie we can intentionally address them with healthy tools, as opposed to acting only once we are hurt, disappointed, or experiencing resentment that has grown over years.
It gives you a structured space with an unbiased professional to guide you through important conversations. If you’re not on the same page, topics like finances, parenting, extended families, and life planning overall can be major sources of conflict in a marriage. Don’t assume you and your partner feel the same way about all of these things! It’s also important to consider that while you may be on the same page today, you might not be in five years. People change. But if you acquire the tools to navigate these changes, it can be much easier to deal with in the long run.
There are a lot of expectations and opinions on what makes a healthy marriage. These expectations might have been formed by your own parents’ marriage, by your friend’s relationships, or even by relationships in the media. Many expectations are not inherently right or wrong, but subjective to each person. Are you and your partner in agreement about what makes a good husband or wife? Let’s talk about it in premarital!
You can acquire healthy communication skills that you may not already have or be aware of. Your relationship can be perfectly wonderful, and you might still be able to benefit from a few more tools that help you both communicate and understand yours and your partner's needs, preferences, and differences.
Speaking of wonderful relationships, there is an unfortunate misconception that counseling is only for couples who are facing large issues or on the brink of a breakup, and that if you are in a happy and healthy relationship you would not need premarital counseling. This could not be further from the truth! While in traditional couple’s counseling there may be a specific issue the couple is wanting to address, premarital counseling is more general in nature as it addresses a variety of topics that one can expect to deal with in marriage. Common topics covered maybe be the division of household chores and responsibilities, finances, sex, parenting, religion, relationships with extended family and friends, individual life goals, conflict resolution, etc. Nothing has to be overtly wrong in your relationship. A desire to have a happy and healthy marriage is enough.
Another common misconception about premarital counseling is that it is often done through a religious lens. This was certainly more true in the past, and it, unfortunately, meant that many couples were excluded from participating in this process, specifically LGBTQ+ or non-religious couples. Times have changed, and premarital counseling can now be a much more modern, inclusive, and secular experience for those that want it to be.
Ultimately, premarital counseling can be really fun to participate in. What sounds better than talking about building a fulfilling, long, and happy marriage with the love of your life? I might be biased, but not much does. So while you’re at it, maybe add some premarital counseling sessions to your wedding registry! It is truly the gift that keeps on giving.