Minimizing Self: Taking Up Space
Camille Lester, MHC
Hello + Happy Holiday Season! Ahh, the holidays… like a thick blanket on a cold night that intensely warms our shoulders and icicle-like toes—the holidays delicately wrap around the wind, fluctuating temperatures, and “buzz” in the air, and remind us of the importance of giving. I wonder what happens when giving becomes a life stance/position? When we give, give, give, give… what are we left with?
The crowning of Miss Universe 2019, Zozibini Tunzi from South Africa has been deeply energizing, grounding, and a source of awe and inspiration for me. Tunzi is the first woman in the history of Miss Universe to win with natural hair. When asked by advisors to modify her appearance/ hair, she refused. When asked “What is the most important thing we should teach young girls today?” she responded: “take up space..nothing as important as taking up space in society and submitting only to self.” I slip into and wear her words and try to imagine what it means to be a woman of color and have the boldness to take up space.
Have you fallen victim or feel as if you are falling victim to minimizing yourself? Key signs of minimizing oneself manifests in different capacities; such as: chronic stress, anxious thoughts that feel like a neverending tape, disconnection from relationships, sudden outbursts, snapping at the ones closest to you, chronic pain, feeling tired, dimmed, uninspired or even losing joy in the career you worked so hard to obtain. It is easy to get lost in the shuffle of life and living. This blog is very much for folks who feel the urge to minimize themselves in certain spaces and what to do about it. So… how do you start taking up space?
Realize in what ways you are minimizing self.
Minimize
/ˈminəˌmīz/
to reduce to the smallest possible amount or degree; represent or estimate at less, than the true value or importance.
There may be a variety of reasons why one might feel the urge/need to minimize themselves. Positionality and identity within a complex society makes this concept deeply complicated. Society often provides unsaid norms of behavior, appearance, language, and embodiments.
Who does society say you are, must be, should be, are destined to become, and how tight do these answers grip/cling to you?
Some folks may report not giving feedback or sharing ideas in a meeting, not voicing discomfort in a disagreement, not sharing their educational background and/or expertise when they could be an asset to something/someone, or literally shrinking themselves down to fit into a mold that is likeable, palatable, and acceptable to society’s standards.
Ultimately, our bodies keep score.
You can tell when you are minimizing yourself when embodied stances feel rigid; you may literally feel as if you are shrinking/becoming smaller by the second. There may be a racing inner- dialogue that you work very hard to keep silent. Somatic sensations like your stomach feeling in knots, sweating, eyes welling with tears, or body pain may also be messages/signs. The most critical part of any conversation regarding self and minimization is also understanding how/ in what ways your body (innately equipped with messengers and systems to protect us) is responding.
2. Reflect on what minimizing is costing you?
What are the effects of remaining silent, sitting on thoughts/ideas, not speaking up, or feeling forced to fit into a mold? Spend some time getting still and quiet, and ask yourself these questions….
a) When do I feel minimized (where, with whom, in what spaces?)
b) On a scale from 1-10 how much is minimizing myself, impacting me on a daily basis?
c) What feelings/sensations do I experience in these situations?
d) Do I stand in alignment with this feeling/sensation?
e) On a scale from 1-10 how sick of feeling this way am I?
and, with this list in hand..
3. Begin reuniting with your voice
I always recommend, especially to clients of non-dominant identities who feel lost/silenced in the shuffle of their lives to keep a running list of all the things they feel like they need to say in moments of discomfort where they traditionally say/do nothing at all.
This could look like a running note section in your phone, where you add to it on a daily basis. A weekly journal that you reflect within. Or, perhaps in the meeting where you feel like you cant voice your opinion, you write in the margins of the agenda all the things you wanted to say.
There is something fundamentally mobilizing + freeing about releasing the inner-dialogue to dwell outside of the confines of our minds. Write it down. Make it real. There is power nestled within the act of saying what you wish you could.
4. Execute voice
From realizing, to reflecting on the cost, to re-uniting with your voice—lastly, power comes in the act of vocalizing. Executing your voice/power doesn’t have to be a scary, over-the-top, cost you your job uncomfortable act. Executing your voice and power can come in the everyday mundane aspects of life like:
Being firm in your “no’s”
Moving in your own time, even if that means people will furiously brush past you
Taking time to process, “I will get back to you on this.” “This is bringing something up, can I take 5 minutes away from this conversation?”
Deciding to not have a response
Practicing posture
Sitting up straight, un-tensing your shoulders, and holding up your head when walking into spaces
Looking folks directly in the eye
Resting lovingly within the body/vehicle that allows you to occupy and travel.
Despite what society may say; you have every right to take up space and exist in intentional + radical authenticity. If you have been feeling dimmed, uninspired, dealing with chronic stress, or the tape of anxious thoughts feels neverending— I urge you to realize that the light that exists within you, is begging to get out—that same light, is one that the very spaces, places, relationships, platforms, avenues, corporate offices….need, desperately. How to take up space and let this light, out? In this season of giving, reflect on what ways you can be giving to yourself. Are you minimizing? What is it costing you? Reunite with your voice and execute it!
with light,
c