Maxxing Everything But Your Self-Esteem
Staff therapist Rachel Chada, MHC
If you’ve spent any significant amount of time online in the last year, you’ve probably seen the surge of “maxxing” content. If you haven’t, congratulations!
Right now, it seems like there’s a maxxing solution for pretty much anything you could imagine. Not feeling hot enough? Try looksmaxxing. Not strong enough? You must not be proteinmaxxing. Tired? You’ve gotta do the nothingmaxx/sleepmaxx combo. Feeling the limitations of American culture? Chinamaxx or Euromaxx to appropriate the “best” parts of other cultures and improve your life. At this point, we’re maxxmaxxing and I think we’re rapidly approaching a limit here.
The term “maxxing” has been co-opted from the gaming community, originally used to describe a strategic play. Eventually, the term started finding its way onto hateful online Reddit communities (classic) and gained enough momentum to get popularized on TikTok. Nitsuh Abebe does a great job breaking down the gamer to TikTok pipeline if you’re curious.
The goal of maxxing is to take yourself to the next level, also referred to as “ascending” by some Reddit communities. If you find yourself lost in a looksmaxxing Reddit hole (highly recommend that you don’t), you’ll see endless selfies from mostly young people, asking for critique or advice so they can “ascend.”
The main message? Where you’re at right now isn’t good enough.
When we are so insistent on changing ourselves, what happens to our self-esteem?
We enter a hamster wheel of never-ending self-improvement. Sure, if you listen to the advice from a Reddit thread, you might get some momentary validation and feel more confident, but it typically doesn’t last. When you’re outsourcing how you feel about yourself, you’re never going to find contentment.
The reality is that we’re humans with human limitations. We are flawed, imperfect beings; that’s one guarantee we have in life. If the core belief of maxxing is that there is always something else you can improve on, you’re chasing a goal you’ll never reach. You’re left feeling like you’ll never be enough.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
—Carl Rogers
This isn’t to say that you can’t want to make changes or better yourself. By all means, read a self help book, go to the gym, go to therapy, invest in learning a new hobby or skill. We just have to question the intent behind the change.
There’s a stark difference between making change because you have to (usually fueled by feelings of shame, inferiority, or self-hate) and making change because you want to. When you come from a place of self-acceptance, change feels less urgent. Change in this sense is more gradual, it’s gentle, and it doesn’t have such rigid expectations.
I’m not suggesting we stifle our desire for growth, but we need to treat ourselves more like humans and less like projects. Choosing self-acceptance isn’t the easier option—it’s actually the hardest thing to choose, because it means accepting the parts of yourself you might not love. And that’s okay! The goal isn’t to be perfect, it’s to feel that you’re enough.
Otherwise, the only thing we’re maxxing is self-contempt.
Selfhatemaxxing?
Rachel Chada, MHC-LP is a psychotherapist for individuals and couples looking for support in identity, self-esteem, relationships, and more. Reach out here to book your free, 15-minute consultation.