Calm together: Co-regulating as a couple
Christie Kim, MHC
As quarantine continues, we remain isolated from our extended social circles and more reliant on those closest to us, especially our partners. Social distancing has not only illuminated but tested our bonds with intimate partners during periods of immense stress and upheaval.
It is widely understood that humans are hardwired to be in close, emotional bonds with others, otherwise known as being attached. Attachment theory posits that the need for social connection is important to our survival, happiness, and has a significant impact on our experience of stress.
In close attachments such as partnerships, two individuals begin to form one physiological unit. The brain is wired to seek out the support of our partner through emotional and physical closeness. In fact, our breathing, heart rate, blood pressure, and the hormones in our blood are co-regulated by our partners. The presence and support of a partner even has an impact on how our brains perceive danger.
A study by James Coan and colleagues measured the brain activity of married women after being told they’d receive an electric shock. fMRI results demonstrated that the hypothalamus, the body’s internal regulator, lit up in response when the women were waiting for the shock alone. When they were holding the hand of a stranger, such brain activity reduced. Remarkably, the women’s stress was barely detectable when they were holding their husband’s hand. Furthermore, less activation occurred among women who reported feeling more satisfied with their marriage compared to those who reported less marital satisfaction.
This study shows the connection between attachment and our physiological response to stress. When two people share an intimate relationship, they can help regulate each other’s emotional and physical wellbeing. When you’re upset and in need of a hug, receiving a hug from an acquaintance may help, but receiving a hug from your partner can actually bring you back to homeostasis.
As we continue to move through the stress of the pandemic, there are many ways to cultivate or rebuild connection with our partners. Below are several co-regulating exercises to increase intimacy, find mutual balance and calm, and offer presence to your partner:
Breathing. Take a moment to breathe with your partner. Sitting in the same room or together on the couch, take deep breaths (e.g., inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 8) in through your nose and out through your mouth. You may choose to put one hand on your heart and one on your stomach for increased mindfulness.
Meditation. Sharing a guided meditation can facilitate closeness and calm.
Ball toss. If you need to talk something out with your partner, try tossing a soft ball to each other (note: underhand) as you have the discussion. The movement, coordination and rhythm can help keep you in tune and regulated, even during difficult topics.
Heart hug. Hug your partner with your hearts touching (on the left side), and hold each other until you both feel relaxed. Don’t let go until you feel your breathing align and you can both exhale with ease -- trust me, you’ll feel it. This can be really helpful when one partner is feeling overwhelmed or dysregulated, or as a daily ritual during goodbyes and hello’s.
State shift. If you and/or your partner are in need of a break, or feel difficult emotions bubbling up, try shifting your physical state together. Blast loud music, impromptu dance party, do jumping jacks.
Eye gaze. Sit with your partner, without distractions, and make eye contact. To start, you can set a time for 3 minutes. You and your partner can touch and talk, but maintain eye contact until the timer goes off. The intimacy is worth the initial discomfort.
Agreed time apart with planned reunion. This is a big one if your fights tend to get heated or out of control. Agree upon a certain length of time to be apart (e.g., 15 minutes, until the end of the work day, etc., but no longer than 1 day), and cool down or engage in self-care. Be sure to resume the discussion when time’s up in order to build trust and avoid future resentments.